18 Funny New Year Quotes from Witty Women

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Cheers to laughing our way into 2022 with these funny New Year quotes. 

1Anais Nin

“I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”

2Judith Crist

“Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.”

3Nia Vardalos

“My New Year’s Resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.”

4Miss Piggy

“New year, new rules: Never eat more than you can lift.”

5Melanie White

“This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.”

6Jennifer Greene Duncan

“I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.”

7Kelly Clarkson

“To the person who lost weight over the holidays ... Don't worry, I found it and will get it back to you starting January 1st.”

8Hillary DePiano

“You can get excited about the future. The past won’t mind.”

9Drew Barrymore

[On her New year's resolution] “To get smaller underwear.”

10Patsy Stone

“None of this New Year, New Me bollocks. Last year I was fabulous, and this year I will still be fabulous.”

11Melanie White

“Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’”

12Justina Chen

“You raze the old to raise the new.”

13Nora Ephron

“I resolve to eat more waffles, even though this resolution is in direct conflict with my most important resolution of the New Year, which is to lose two pounds. Waffles are amazing. When I'm dying, I don't want to regret not having eaten more of them.”

14Anastasia Miller

"One glass of champagne and I smile, two and I grin, but three I'm ever so ready to sin.”

15Susan Sontag

Kindness, kindness, kindness. I want to make a New Year's prayer, not a resolution. I'm praying for courage.”

16Catherine O’Hara

“I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ’til December, right?”

17Ellen Goodman

“We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives … not looking for flaws, but for potential.”

18Helen Fielding

“I do think New Year’s resolutions can’t technically be expected to begin on New Year’s Day, don’t you? Since it's an extension of New Year’s Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.”

Tags: new year, humor, women history, womens quotes

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Written By

Katka Lapelosová

Katka is a writer from New York City, currently living in Belgrade, Serbia. See Full Bio

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