How to Get the Spark Back in Your Marriage

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Imagine life as a dance. Ebbs and flows sway. Highs and lows bounce. Friendships and careers shake and steady. The very essence of life is in its constant movement.

True as this may be, it’s common for long-established couples to find themselves in somewhat of a still relationship. From my own observations of such couples, movement often continues around the sink, through the rooms of a home, and at the dinner table. But the relationships themselves?

Those can often go untouched. Like the dusty ballerina figurine that sits in a far corner on a side table in the home office that operates more like a storage room — and that you don’t toss out because it’s been in your life for as long as you can remember — it stays intact, yes, but the joy it has the potential to bring goes somewhat unexperienced.

This is by no means in reference to people who have fallen out of love or have made the decision to “consciously uncouple.” Quite the contrary, in fact. I’m talking about the couples who once fell so deeply in love that the comfort of their affection over time began to overshadow their point of connection.

I’ve given a lot of thought as to why this happens. Comfort is a nuanced state of being. It’s wonderful in that it feels good, though in large quantities it can get more complicated. In the mix of children, work, social engagements, self-care, and obligations, it feels reasonable to push what is most secure onto a back burner. It’s when a relationship gets left on that back burner for too long that comfort risks dulling the spark.

The good news is that there are many ways to reestablish a beautiful connection. While some (read: all) suggestions may initially feel forced, it’s truly the act of showing up and putting effort into participating that will likely help strengthen the link between you and your significant other.

Plan a Weekly Date Night (Morning or Afternoon Works, Too)

Whether you’re a parent or doing rounds at a hospital in the middle of the night, setting aside a consistent weekly block of time for you and yours to focus solely on one another can be incredibly nourishing. Dress up or down — whatever works for you — but step out of the house. Go for a walk. Cozy up at a coffee shop. Take a long drive. Grab a meal. Take a pottery class. Do anything that requires you to physically step away from all foreseeable distractions. Like a weekly check-in meeting at work, these weekly dates have the potential to reinforce the love that already exists.

Exchange Daily Roses and Thorns

Although it may feel contrived at first, having ritualistic conversations about your everyday high and low points is a great way to stay in tune with each other. Unlike friendships and family ties, romantic relationships are often colored with the privilege of exclusive entrustments, information that is shared in confidence. While an exchange of daily roses and thorns may be as mundane as a grievance about your office mate’s perpetual need to hum, these small nuggets of information can help fortify that which makes your significant other special. In time, the realization that your partner is giving importance to the humdrum of your life, and vice versa, will permeate the relationship with appreciation and passion.

Hold Hands

Don’t just hold hands like you do with your child while crossing the street. Intertwine fingers. Let your hands sweat. Take a moment — or two — to really feel each other, to give one another a reassuring squeeze, a gentle touch. Like sharing those daily roses and thorns, holding hands solely for the purpose of being tender is an act often reserved just for the two of you. Relish in the knowledge that only you and your partner can hold each other in this way. Though silent, holding hands can be a very loud reminder of love. The spark in a relationship is a complex thing to talk about, mostly because it’s virtually indefinable. The electricity that delicately hangs between you and your significant other isn’t as far away as most tried-and-true couples often feel it is. Commit to togetherness. Breathe life into your relationship. Complete the dance on the daily. Then, gradually, or perhaps one day even suddenly, watch the spark reignite.

Tags: Marriage

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Written By

Nina Chadha

Nina finds triumph in articulating in words what is often missed in plain sight. Over the past 9 years, she has worked as... See Full Bio

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